Week 50 - Beautiful feelings

We live in a crazy, sometimes dark, always beautiful world. In my life thus far, I've learned that the things that make life worth living are the people that we love and the people that love us. Everything else goes away. 

Thank you for reading my blog. Chances are, you are one of those people to me.  

It's almost been a whole year since I've started this thing. It hasn't always been easy. Many weeks, I just feel like there is nothing that I want to say. At least not until I start writing. Jay's birthday is next Friday, so I've got a blog to make up between now and then. Thus, I'll leave it here for now.

Have a great weekend.

Week 49 - A place of our own

Visiting family is great. It really is. But there's something really nice about being home in your own house, in your own bed, in your own routine. Especially around the holidays. This seems to become more and more true every year that I get older. Having a family of your own let's you start your own traditions and enjoy all those things that made the holidays great when you were a kid new again. Plus, you don't have a 24 hour drive hanging over your head when you're already home.

I'm particularly positive about being home this time, since it allowed us a chance to really commit to sleep training Jay. It hasn't been a cakewalk, but it's working! And a teaspoon of progress is worth a pound of lost sleep in our yearlong battle. He even went the entire night last night in his crib, no intervention needed from us. It's great. It really is. I hope it keeps up.

We've got a good life here. And it's all ours. Sometimes, that's worth more than you think.

Week 48 - Thankful

This year, the thing I am most thankful for is Kimbre. I don't always tell her how much I appreciate everything she does for me. I'm not always the easiest person to be married to. Nevertheless, she gets me. She understands my idiosyncrasies. She's in it with me for the long haul. She does so much for me. She's also smokin hot. I really could not do much better.

She also gave me Baby Jay, who is a constant reminder of our commitment to each other and this beautiful little family. I really am truly thankful.

Week 47 - Sleep

Guest post by Kimbre today! Enjoy!

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As a parent I fully expect to have moments where I am completely lost and feel like a complete failure as a mother. I know that I will struggle to find the words to calm my son when a friend hurts his feelings and I am sure I will have no idea how to even start “the talk.” I know that not knowing, not trusting yourself, and crying because you think you did it all wrong is par for the course as a mom. As my mom tells me it comes with a mother license. I just didn’t expect to feel this way so soon.

That being said, I feel like a complete and utter failure when it comes sleep. Not my sleep. I can fall asleep just about anywhere now days, but baby Jays sleep. I cannot get my precious boy to sleep through the night! Things are getting worse not better. On a normal night he goes down at 7:30 wakes up at 12:00, 3:00 and then at 5:00. Recently he has added an 11:00 wake up call to that shuffle. Needless to say Jay and I are very tired. In fact I am not sure either of us remembers what a full nights rest feels like.

To solve this problem I have been trying to sleep train my little one. I’ve read two books and countless internet articles on sleep and each one makes me feel more hopeless. What I’ve learned thus far is that I’m a horrible mom because I didn’t start him on cry it out when he was 5 day old, now he will never sleep through the night. I’ve also learned that if I let him cry he will never be normal and not trust the world and probably die.  Don’t even get me started on what I’ve read on night weaning and the many ways this can destroy my baby.

Ultimately the problem is I have a hard time sticking to any plan at 3:00 in the morning. I don’t like hearing my baby cry, not when I can fix it by nursing him and we can all be back in bed in 10 minutes. But that is the problem; I keep reinforcing his bad behavior. The teacher part of me knows that kids need strict rules it helps them and they end up loving you in the end, but the mommy part of me loves my little boy and I don’t like seeing him in pain.

I guess what I am trying to say is being a parent is hard! There isn’t always a right answer and you don’t always make the right decisions. It’s hard when you love someone so much that you want everything for them and nothing to ever hurt them. But that isn’t life. I know that one day he will sleep through the night, but I’ll probably be up worrying about being a good Momma.

Week 46 - The love

There's no doubt about it, I'm getting older. In some ways, it's hard to tell. I still play video games. I still don't eat as well as I should. I'm still prone to temper tantrums from time to time. In others however, the change that comes with time is painfully obvious. I've gained a good deal of weight. I make a lot more money. I have a lot less free time.

Throughout it all though, I have had a good life. Things haven't always gone well for me. Without question, I've experienced my fair share of tragedy as well. At times, I can't even say with a straight face that I was any degree of happy, no matter how good things might have been. But I made it through anyway.

A big reason for that is the people in my life. I have been blessed with a wonderful supportive family that has endured some of my darkest moments and still loved me despite them. I've also been blessed with an incredible group of friends that provide me with the wonderful feeling that it all matters, that it's all tied together somehow. That's an incredible feeling, the notion that you somehow matter in existence that is larger than yourself.

This last weekend, Dustin, Jeff, Alli, Bri, Roman, and Hillary, made a special trip out to Corvallis Oregon to come see me. We had a few great days exploring this great state and spending time with each other. I am so incredibly happy that we have been able to keep in touch over the years and that we have found a way to see each other at least somewhat regularly despite the distance between us. 

I love my friends. Actually love them. I love my family too. I love my sisters. I love their families. I love my parents. I love my son. I love my wife. I love my wife's family. Everything else in my life could go to hell and I would still be okay because the love I feel for the people in my life gives my life meaning. What more do you need?

Week 45 - Blogless this week...

Man, I'm getting bad at staying up to date on this thing. Things have been moving pretty quickly recently and doing the blog sometimes gets forgotten. I'll give it a better effort next week, I promise. Taking time to remember this first year in Jays life is important.

Week 44 - The rainy season

Week 44 Picture

So it turns out, it does actually rain in Oregon. For the last three months we've enjoyed perfect weather with sunny skies, 70 degree temperatures, and a light breeze. That's all changed now. Now we get to experience our first Oregon winter for real.

That's about all I've got for you. A weather update. Things around here have been pretty uneventful. Our lives operate like clockwork in time with a heavily structured routine. That's what having a baby can do to you. Messing up the nap schedule in many cases just isn't worth it. A certain chain of events needs to unfold each night when I get home from work to make sure he's taken care of. It makes life remarkably predictable at times.

That being said, I'm very content. I love my job. I love my wife. I love my baby. I love my friends. I'm looking forward to the people that are coming to visit me soon. Things are really well situated for me out here in Corvallis. Life sometimes feels like it's in constant momentum. Always driving toward some big date or event. There's a certain kind of peace in my routine these days. There's really not a whole lot in my life that I can ask for.

I think it's good to take a moment to sit back and reflect sometimes on the lulls that can happen between the monumental moments. They get too easily lost and often forgotten. Someday, I'll look back on this lull from a moment of chaos and miss it.

Week 43 - On the road again

Week 43 Picture

For the second week in a row, I'm on an airplane heading across country. Last weekend was for Jensens wedding, which was a blast. This weekend is for a conference in my field. I'm excited for it, don't get me wrong, but all this time away from Kimbre and my little boy is exhausting. Clearly, I'm not suited for a job that would require large amounts of travel. Even bring away from him for a few days makes me feel like I'm missing out.

I love my little family. I know it's cliche to say that they are the most important thing in the world to me, but in my case it's true. I would give up everything I have, my house, my job, my future, my health, and my happiness if it would mean not losing them. As strange as it sounds, that's a nice feeling. They give me meaning and significance in this often overwhelming world.

Week 42 - Company

Week 42 Picture

Apparently, gaining mobility was just what Jay was waiting for before launching his campaign of home domination. Walking is just around the corner too. His absolute favorite thing to do these days is to hold your fingers as you help him run around the house and climb up the stairs, one step at a time. In some respects, it's been really nice. He's a lot better at entertaining himself than he was when he relied exclusively on us for his mobility. However, as always, this new stage of his life has introduced new challenges into our day to day routine. It's fun though and surprisingly rewarding. Each new milestone he surpasses feels like a personal accomplishment.

Other thing I've been reflecting on lately is that I am I'm glad that we have a number of friends and family members who had kids around the same time as us. Watching your kid grow up is even better when you get to put that growth in the context of other kids going through the same stages. 

Over the last few days, Laney and her daughter, who is slightly older than Jay, have been visiting us from Colorado. The last time I saw them, she was as old as Jay is now. I remember thinking at the time how grown-up she seemed and how I could never imagine what life was like with a baby that could sit in the chair and feed himself. Now she can walk on her own, navigate up and down the stairs without help, and even understand and say a few words. It's a stark reminder that kids grow up fast and that before I even know it, Jay will be doing these things too.

I guess I should take this opportunity then, to slow down and appreciate him for what he has now. Sand eating and all.

Week 41 - Dad and me

Week 41 Picture

Holy cow. Sorry for the late post. Over the last ten months I've gotten about a full week behind on this thing. I suppose in the coming weeks I'll have to do something to get caught up.

It was kind of a silly week to get behind on considering that this last weekend was the first time that I have ever been exclusively in charge of Jay's well being. Sure, I spent a lot of time with Jay during his first few months when Kimbre was at work, but never for more than 24 hours. Let me tell you, this weekend gave me a renewed respect for single parents, particularly single parents of infants. Watching after a child is truly a full-time job. Especially now that he has learned to crawl, he has much more freedom and latitude to express to us his needs, wants, and desires. As a stay-at-home mom, Kimbre certainly does not have it easy and this weekend only made me appreciate her and all she does around here. He's worth it, but the warm fuzzies come at the cost of the majority of your time and energy when watching him alone.

Nevertheless, the time I got to spend with him over this weekend will be something that I will always treasure. He such a special little boy, full of so much personality and pure, unadulterated, curiosity in exploring his surroundings. He loves us so much too, something he is getting better at expressing explicitly. For example, before this weekend, he would never crawl across the floor to me just to sit in my lap. He would never actively seek out cuddles, but rather simply tolerate them. These changes may be a product of him getting older rather than some grand development from a weekend alone with me, but it was a special moment nonetheless. This time with him made me miss getting to spend my days with him as I finished up grad school before Kimbre got home from work. My little boy won't always be little, and it makes me choke up a little bit just thinking about how one day I will look back on this stage in his life and truly miss it. I know it sometimes comes across as a cliché when parents say their children are the best things that has ever happened to them. I used to roll my eyes along with the rest of them, but now I get it. I've lived a full, blessed, privileged life thus far, but none of it compares to the happiness my little man brings to me just by existing.

Week 40 - Precious moments

Week 40 Picture

You guys ready for your weekly "how is Jay sleeping" update? Spoiler alert. Bad. He's a wonderful little boy but I'm not sure if it's possible to have a baby much worse at than sleeping than ours. The reason for his sleep woes this time are particularly unusual. He's developed in his crawling so quickly that he's started practicing while he's sleeping. Specifically, in the middle of the night he's started sitting up in his sleep and waking himself up in the process. He then starts crying until Kimbre goes back in his room and lays him back down.

It's exhausting. It's been a long time since either Kimbre or I got a full nights sleep. Living day to day life is hard enough without getting any sleep. Fortunately, during the day, he's so much fun to be around that it makes it worth it. Being a parent has been the only thing in my life that has continuously gotten better every week. I just love my little boy so much.

Some moments are particularly special. I got home from work yesterday, opened the front door, and guess who was there to greet me? My little boy. As soon as he heard me come in, his face lit up and he crawled as fast as his stubby little chunk legs could take him, pulled himself up on my leg, and threw his arms up to be picked up with a big goofy smile on his face. Let me tell you, my heart just melted. That feeling is something I hope to never forget.

Week 39 - Crawling?

Week 39 Picture

Jay's been in my life so long, I can hardly remember what life was like before I was his dad. It hasn't always been easy, but it's definitely been worth it. My life is so much richer for him being in it. One of the most rewarding things about being a new dad is seeing your little boy continually reach milestone after milestone in his development. 

https://youtu.be/_MzbS3y6pSA

Most of these, he hits right when he was supposed to, if not a little bit early. However, one exception to this is crawling. We've been waiting for several weeks now for him to start crawling, but he never seemed to show much interest. Weirdly enough, a big reason for this delay is how extremely active he is compared to most kids his age. Because he wants to be everywhere at once, he learned pretty early on that he could navigate the world by "scooching" across the floor like in the video above. As a result, anytime he wants to get going, he just rolls over onto his back and goes for it rather than going through the trouble of learning to crawl. This is fine and all, but because scooching is harder to navigate around objects than is crawling, he expects us to respond quickly when he scooches too far and gets stuck.

https://youtu.be/5sOvCH2VKIQ

Fortunately, over the last week or so he seems like he's starting to figure it out. As you can see in the video above, the insatiable curiosity that constantly drives our little boy has led him to start experimenting with other methods of travel. This impending change, as are most new parent experiences, is simultaneously exciting and terrifying. Crawling means a gradual transition away from our current 24/7 "hold me" baby to a child who can, at least on occasion, entertain himself. However, that possibility opens up a host of new challenges and considerations we have not yet had to navigate. At least there's not much time to get bored!